5 Ultimate Steps Every Stepmom Needs to Take to Help Beat Spring Break Stress

Spring fever is here and the promise for warmer days is on the horizon. But for stepmoms, this also can mean here comes potential conflict as we start to think about our plans for Spring Break. For many of us stepmothers, this can be a complicated and tedious process for so many possible reasons.

But, wait, don’t you have a custody agreement?

For some, this is a straightforward answer of “yes”. For others, it may be a “yes, but…”. And, then for others there may not be a custody agreement. Everyone’s situation is different, but overall there is one common feeling that at least most of us stepparents experience when it comes to planning Spring Break, and that feeling is one of uncertainty.

The uncertainty of whether there’s going to be an argument about who has the kids, can we take them out of state for vacation, how long are they with us, what if stepmom is off but dad isn’t?

Then, if we don’t have the stepchildren do we still go on a trip without them? Are they going to feel left out? Do they even want to go? How is my partner going to respond?

And, should I feel guilty that I’m relieved they aren’t coming? Should I fight for them to be with me even if their dad isn’t going to be around? How do I support my partner if the ex won’t allow the kids to come on vacation with us?

All the thoughts, feelings, decisions and the amount of mental energy that goes into planning for these types of situations is quite overwhelming.

The mental load of being a stepmom is real. This is just one of the many examples that demonstrate how we as stepparents live such a different reality than parents of intact families.

Ultimate Step #1: Accept Uncertainty

As stepmoms, this feeling, this very anxiety provoking word, is very much a constant for us.

And, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your family is accepting this and I mean really accepting it.

Radical Acceptance is the process of accepting reality as it is and not as we wish it were or think it should be. It can be a challenging process and we already do it in many aspects of our lives, but for several reasons when it comes to our stepkids it can be harder to do.

Ultimate Step #2: Understand What is & What isn’t Within Your Control

When it comes to making plans it is really helpful to get clear on what is and what isn’t within your control. And, base it on the facts as you know it. Not what you think should be true or what might be true.

For example, if bio-mom is regularly unreliable with dropping your stepchild off on time even though there is a specific time in the parenting plan. Then, ask yourself is this important that we’re timely? If it is, recognize that it is out of your control what bio-mom does and then figure out what is within your control? For example, bio-dad picks stepchild up in this instance because it is important to be timely.

Ultimate Step #3: Make a Plan A & a Plan B

I always start with my ideal plan and then deconstruct from there. What variables are within my control and which aren’t. Then, how can I create flexibility for the different options. For example, if we want to fly somewhere, is there a way to change the flights if need be even if I have to pay a little extra. For me, paying a little extra is worth it if I think there’s risk involved that is outside of my control.

This can seem tedious, but if we are honest with ourselves, plans can go awry for many reasons that are outside of our control and having stepchildren is just one of the many. Sometimes our anger/frustration about the planning process can be heightened because of the tension between households and really isn’t about having to have a Plan A and a Plan B.

Ultimate Step #4: Keep Your Ego in Check

Ryan Holiday, author of Ego is the Enemy, wrote “Hatred is when ego turns a minor insult into a massive sore and it lashes out.” I am not saying that we don’t sometimes have good reasons to have some strong reactions to what’s happening between homes as a stepmom.

However, from my own experience with battling my ego, I know there are just as many times that my desire to be right, to have control, or my need to prove my point has overrun the bigger picture.

Thus, creating high emotions and unnecessary expense of energy. It helps me to remember we all are just imperfect humans. This helps bring me back to humility and to get off of my soap box. I may be just as wrong as I am right depending on someone else’s perspective.

Are you struggling to understand how your ego is influencing your reactions to the here and now?

Join the Intentional Stepmomming Community by clicking below: https://www.stepmommedcoaching.com/stepmom-circle

Ultimate Step #5: Set Realistic Expectations and Enjoy the Small Moments

All the previous steps lead us to this ultimate step. It is so important to catch ourselves when we start placing expectations on ourselves and others that are just unrealistic.

For example, this Spring Break my family is going to California and we are so eager to get out of the gray weather. I heard myself talking to my aunt who we are visiting about how excited we are to get some sunshine. She reminded me that it is still considered winter and there is the possibility of rain. I know this, even as I said it, and I have a choice on how I want to proceed with this knowledge.

Similarly, if you and your stepchild don’t really get along. You have a choice on how you want to approach this.

Here are a few options:

A) You can act like this isn’t the case and believe that you are going to become besties by the end of the trip.

B) You can dwell on it and try to make things perfect to their liking as a way to try and win them over or to keep the peace.

C) You anticipate the worst case scenario and you give up trying & shut down.

D) You accept this to be the case right now, you plan for how you are going to manage it, and you continue to enjoy what you can of Spring Break by looking for the small moments.

It’s important to look for the small moments. It’s kind of a “stop and smell the roses” way of thinking. If you expect big grand gestures or huge shifts in perspective or even what some of us would consider basic decency we are setting ourselves up. If those things didn’t exist before it’s not likely going to happen now. However, it doesn’t mean something else might happen.

For example, maybe you won’t get a “thank you” but instead you get a smile. Or, you get an eye roll one minute but they bring you a bottle of water the next.

Or, maybe things between you and your stepkid are just as strained as they always are, but instead of letting it get to you, you choose to go for a peaceful walk on your own and find your own adventure for a bit. Or, you slip away for an hour to relax and read a book which you haven’t done for a long while.

Afterall, it is what it is, right?

Conclusion:

Regardless of your stepfamily situation, these 5 ultimate steps will pave the way to a more stress free Spring Break:

1. Accept Uncertainty

2. Understand What is and What isn’t in Your Control

3. Make a Plan A & a Plan B

4. Keep Your Ego in Check

5. Set Realistic Expectations & Look for the Small Moments

Did you find this article helpful? Why or why not? Your feedback is important to me!

Christine Hurst is a therapist & certified stepmom coach. If you're struggling with feeling alone on your stemomomming journey, join the stepmom community by visiting:

https://www.stepmommedcoaching.com/stepmom-circle