7 Unique Phases All Stepfamilies Can Grow Through -Hang On for the Ride!
- Christine Hurst
- Feb 22, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: Mar 13, 2022
In the beginning, stepfamilies take a lot of time and energy, which is unforeseeable until the couple is in the process. Between the back-and-forth visits of the children and the everyday stresses of life, it can be difficult to establish cohesiveness.
Stepfamilies are identified by family-life specialist Patricia Papernow as going through specific stages of development. Understanding these stages can help stepfamilies understand that the hardships they are enduring are normal and can be overcome.
The Initial Three Stages-
1. Fantasy Stage:
Every family member moves into the stepfamily with their own dreams and expectations. A newlywed couple's expectations may be that the children and parents will quickly unite and adjust. It may make the bio-parent feel better to know they have another person to help with parenting. The stepparent may hope they can rescue the child(ren) from any hurt that they underwent with the divorce. Children sometimes fantasize that their bio-parents will reunite.
But, these fantasies often aren't talked about, and we all are doing our best to be good members of the stepfamily. This is also known as the "honeymoon phase."I think we have all heard of this phrase. Typically, in the beginning stages, things may seem okay overall. Everyone is getting along well enough. We have a basic understanding of how to live together.
I remember thinking I had it pretty easy in the beginning...
2. Immersion Stage:
Eventually, though, little things start to bother us. Our differences become more problematic. Life stressors become a priority, and that sense of mutuality starts to deteriorate.
This can lead to feelings of frustration, loneliness, guilt, anger, grief, and more.
The bio-parent may become frustrated that the relief they thought they were going to get ends up being a constant battle between their ex and their current partner, and the bio-parent is stuck in the middle. The stepparent may start to feel like an outsider and not welcomed by the stepchildren. The stepchildren may start to resent the stepparent for trying to replace their biological parents.
3. Awareness Stage:
The reality that our dreams and expectations aren't getting met sinks in. The differing needs of each family member start to come to light. There likely is more arguing acting out behaviors, and it can feel like everything is falling apart while coparenting.
This is when most stepmoms start to reach out for help. They see that it is happening but feel helpless and unsure of how to create change. This can be a very lonely stage for stepmoms. It’s difficult to explain to others how we feel without sounding like we are the wicked stepmother we all know about in the fairy tales.
If stepfamilies cannot figure out how to talk about what is happening, then they can become stuck in this stage.
Do you find it difficult to talk to your partner about his children without him becoming defensive?
Join the Intentional Stepmomming Community by clicking below:
The Middle Two Stages:
4. Mobilization Stage:
However, if the family can begin to speak to what is going on for each of them, they can move forward. Most often, it is the couple who enter this stage first. If the couple can move into this stage together, then problem-solving can begin.
This can be a tough process. Talking about our hurts, needs, and wants is scary. The couple may want to seek out couples counseling or work with a stepparent coach to help traverse this dynamic territory. This is the stage where I see couples either find a way to make it work or they may not see a way forward and seek divorce.
5. Action Stage:
Now that the struggles are out in the open, the couple can begin to find solutions and bring their new wisdom to the children. The family system together can start to create change that is suitable for each member. There can be a renewed sense of mutuality and a common goal moving forward.
The Last Stages:
6. Contact:
Stepfamily members can now work together within new areas of agreement created by the action stage. As a result, the marriage or partnership becomes more aligned and a better foundation for the stepfamily system. Relationships between stepparents and their children start be more genuine. There is finally hope as your role as a stepmom becomes more clear and you are empowered to start intentionally living the role of you design.
7. Resolution:
This is the stage where old fantasies/expectations are let go, and now members of the family are functioning with more realistic expectations. There may or may not be a closeness between the stepparent and the children, but there hopefully is mutual respect and cooperation. Everyone has a better understanding of themselves and each other, and communication has improved.
Research has shown that this process can take anywhere from less than four years to more than seven years. This is evidence that it takes time.
Here are a few tips to help with the process:
1. Do what you can to understand stepfamily functioning. Join support groups reach out to a therapist or parent coach or stepparent coach who understands stepfamily dynamics. This can help you to better understand what realistic expectations are.
2. Never talk negatively about the other parent in front of the children when stepparenting. If a child feels that his or her relationship with the other parent is at risk, they will struggle to feel safe and comfortable in your home, regardless of your intentions.
3. To resolve conflicts when stepparenting, parents need to be united. The cohesiveness of the parents is the foundation of a successful stepfamily system.
For more useful tips, I encourage you to read the blog post: 8 Important and Powerful Things You Can Do Now to Be the Best at Stepmomming.
So, stepmama, what stage is your stepfamily in, and what's the hardest thing you are facing right now?
Christine Hurst is a therapist & certified stepmom coach. If you're struggling with feeling alone on your stepmomomming journey, join the stepmom community by visiting:
Comments