THE “MUST HAVE” STRATEGY TO EFFECTIVELY TALK ABOUT DIFFICULT TOPICS WITH YOUR PARTNER

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Do you find it challenging to talk to your partner about his children? Does he get defensive, argumentative, or shut down?

Most of us stepmothers struggle with how to talk to our spouses or partners about their children or the ex, or just those hot topics in general, so in this blog I want to share a strategy around how to have those difficult conversations.

When we speak out of anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, or fear, we set ourselves up for an uncomfortable conversation, and what follows are arguments, hurt feelings, and things that shouldn't be said.

Being a stepmom is a complicated role, and no one has it all figured out. We are, however, able to do a few things to help improve it. Communication with our spouses or partners is one of them. How can we help them help us? By sharing these tips and strategies, I hope to help you along in the process.

GET CLEAR

Getting clear about what's bothering us is the first thing you should do. Because if we wanted to, we could probably find something to complain about in everything happening around us, and that wouldn't help anyone. Let's ask ourselves: what am I really upset about?

For example, Sally had an attitude this morning and rolled her eyes at me. Is that enough to bring it to the table? Maybe, maybe not. But typically, it's probably something that's ongoing. So instead of focusing on that surface issue of Sally rolling her eyes, let’s talk about respect. What does respect in the household look like? Is this something that I value, and is this something that my spouse values? And if it is, how can we get on the same page about expectations of being respectful in our house? The first thing we do is get clear about why Sally rolling her eyes is bothering you. For example, “ When Sally rolls her eyes at me I feel disrespected in the home, this hurts my feelings, and I don't feel supported by my spouse.”

This clarity is important because when we bring up a topic that's important to us to our partner or spouse, we really want them to hear us and to understand where we're coming from. And the best way forward in doing that is first being clear ourselves.

We want to understand what is bothering us, why is it bothering us, what value do we feel is not being met, how is this impacting me, and why is it impacting me?

Really ask yourself these questions. Understand what feelings are being impacted. On the surface you might be mad but deep down you might be feeling hurt and even deeper down, it might bring up stuff from your childhood like the feeling that you don't belong.

EVALUATE

Now that we feel clear about what the issue is or what is bothering us we need to take a step back and evaluate. Ask yourself, how much of this is about me, how much am I making it about me and my feelings? And am I not thinking outside of myself for the greater good of the family system? Also how much am I avoiding it being about me and am I trying to make it about everybody else?

Let’s say Sally rolls her eyes at me, but then she punches my son in the arm. And now I just make it about him and their dynamic and I'm not really speaking my truth or speaking to it from a bigger perspective and being honest about what is going on for myself and for others in the home.

Take that step back and just evaluate what's yours to own.

Ask yourself, what are my feelings, what are my hopes, am I being rude too, am I sassing back? We're all human and this is all part of learning. We're not going to do it perfectly but there are going to be times where we’re just going to have to own that too.

If I've been just as sassy or just as disrespectful, I need to own my part and I want to help our home become more respectful to everybody involved, including me.

Next, evaluate what is it I need versus what I want.

To continue with the above example, I need to feel I belong just as much as anybody else in this household. And how that looks is us talking to each other more respectfully. What I want is that we all get along and that we all like each other. Those are very different things.

When it comes to needs and wants, we try to make them as realistic as possible.

Needs are that deeper layer of what is bothering us about the situation. Wants are things that would be lovely if we could get, for example, we all get along and we all like each other. But is that a need? Not necessarily as long as we have respect in the household, I don't necessarily have to be liked. I don't necessarily think I’m going to like my stepchildren all the time either. It's normal to not always like each other. But what is fair is hope that we can have respect for each other, at least at the very minimum. We need to take that evaluation and just check ourselves, check our egos and get clear.

ASSESS

So now, we’ve gotten clarity, we’ve evaluated, and now it’s time to assess. And by assess I mean, is this a good time to talk about this? For example, let’s say we are packing up to go on a trip. If I want to talk about respect in the household, is this the right time to talk about it? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe this relates to the trip, so do we need to find the time to talk about it before we go on a trip? It’s important to take a moment and figure out if it’s not urgent, can we put it on the shelf, give it some time for us to sit with it so that we’re not responding out of a place of anger and fear.

I'm not saying that we push it under the rug, I’m saying put it on the shelf. Which is very different. Under the rug means that you’re trying to hide it. Putting it on the shelf means that it’s there, you know it’s there and you’ll come back to it when the time is right. Typically, I try to encourage people to address it sooner than later. We don't want things to build up.

So assess, is this the right time, how am I feeling about it right now?

The calmer we can get with it, the better and the more effective we can be with our conversations.

There’s a childrens’ book that talks about being in our angry brain. When we're in our angry brain, we’re stupid. And I think it’s true. When we get into an angry place we tend to say stupid things, we tend to behave stupidly, we just don't act in the most rational of ways and we're all guilty of it in different ways and at different times.

Assess yourself by asking, "Have I given myself enough distance that I am able to manage my emotions and I don’t feel like my emotions are managing me?"

I’m not saying that we can't have emotions about the situation, I’m saying to be a bit more controlled. And so just check in with yourself, do I feel centered, do I feel like I'm in control of my emotional state? And if I’m not, then I might need to put it back on the shelf, give it a little more time and come back to it.

It’s also important to assess, what is our partner's state of mind? I’m not saying you should mind read, but overall, are they feeling stressed, are they going through something right now, is this the time to bring it up or is it important to bring it up right now? And if it’s not, put it on the shelf and come back to it when it is more appropriate because nothing is harder than having a conversation when our partner is distracted by other problems.

I know what you might be thinking, we're always distracted. And this is true, and I do acknowledge that this is where we need to weigh the priority of it and how long has it been going on and how has it been impacting us? There’s a lot of layers to that but it's a fair question.

So assess by asking yourself these questions:

1. Is this the right time?

2. Am I in the right state of mind?

3. Do I feel centred enough to have this conversation?

4. Is it something that we can put on hold for a little bit, and what’s the pros and cons of doing that?

Also, part of assessing is getting clear on what our goals are.

What’s your number one goal by having this conversation?

Hang on to that goal, because if we get too distracted and talk about everything else that is bothering us and bring in all the things that we can think of in one conversation then our main point gets lost.

When we’ve got a list of things that are bothering us and our partners are trying to hear us with the best intention, they may get overwhelmed. I don’t know if you’ve been there but I have. I know what it's like to feel like somebody is coming at you with a list of complaints and you try to prioritize that list in your own mind.

For example, let’s say, on your list, there’s disrespect, late homework, not waking up for school and more. Now, your partner is trying to prioritize this list, and what ends up happening is that your priorities may not align with his.

ENGAGE

We have gotten clear, we've evaluated, and we've assessed. Now it's time to actually engage in the conversation with our partner. We've been sitting on this, we’ve been thinking about it, coming up with a plan around it, we have all the things planned in our head that we want to say about it. This is about a very sensitive topic, in the case of talking about the children, which is their pride and joy.

If we just drop this all on them, what do we expect to happen? They're going to get defensive and feel hurt hearing that you're unhappy, that you’re mad at them or whatever it is, and that's really not the point. You're actually wanting to talk about respect in the home, yes, you have feelings around it and that is a part of the conversation but ultimately the productive conversation to have is about respect in the home.

Thus, it is important to invite our partners into the conversation by giving them a heads up.

An invitation might look like, “Hey hun, you know, I've just been noticing some disrespectful behaviors in the home, I wonder if we could find a time to talk about it and get on the same page. Is this something we could do tonight, after work or after dinner?”

Give them time to catch up to what you’ve already been thinking about.

After the invite, the goal is to follow through on that and to keep that one goal. We want to engage with an open heart. As angry as we were yesterday about it, if we really think about it, what is most important to us, is that we love our partners, that's why we married them or chose to be in a partnership with them. At the end of the day, we really do want what’s best for each other. If we can remind ourselves of that and of the bigger picture thAn we can engage in an intentional and productive conversation as opposed to the fighting and bickering.

Conclusion:

I hope that you find this strategy helpful as you prepare to bring difficult conversations to your partner and to help you be more intentional within your stepmom role.

1. Get Clarity on the Issue

2. Evaluate Why & Explore Your Needs vs Wants

3. Assess Your Emotions & the Timing

4. Engage- Invite Your Partner to the Conversation

What conversation have you had with your partner recently where this strategy would have been useful?

Christine Hurst is a therapist & certified stepmom coach. If you're struggling and feeling alone in your stepmom journey book a discovery call to see if intentional stepmom coaching is for you: Service Information

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