8 Important and Powerful Things You can Start Now to Be the Best at Stepmomming
- Christine Hurst
- Feb 15, 2022
- 6 min read
Updated: Mar 13, 2022
Stepparenting is often more challenging than anticipated going into the relationship. Studies have shown that it actually can take a stepfamily between 2-7 years before functioning as a family system.
When I first heard this statistic, I felt both relief and concern at the same time. On the one hand, it was helpful to know that my struggles as a stepmom weren't uncommon and, in fact was to be expected.
I remember asking myself regularly during those first several years, “how did my life become so dramatic?”.
On the other hand, it was disheartening to hear that I could expect more of this in the years to come. Now, I have the luxury of looking back through the past 15+ years and below is my summary of 8 ways to help this process along.
1. Evaluate Your Expectations:
The greater the disparity between your expectations and reality, the bigger the disappointment. Pay attention to the expectations you have of yourself, your stepkid(s), your partner, and even the ex as a co-parent.
It’s hard to know what expectations you should or shouldn’t have because this is unchartered territory. The best thing you can do is pay attention to what you are hoping for any time you transition into a new situation.
If you find yourself disappointed, ask yourself, "why”? “What is about this situation that is bothering me?” “Where did this expectation come from and why does it mean so much to me?” Often, understanding our why can help us to talk to others about it more clearly.
2. Enforce the House Rules:
You can implement the house rules but do not make them. I tell my clients to think of it this way. At work or in the past at a job, who would you respond better to? The boss who you have a history with and have grown to trust or the boss who doesn't really know you and comes in and tells you what you should or shouldn't be doing?
I think most of us would respond better to the boss who is willing and open to learning first, gaining trust, and then working with everyone to create change as needed. The same goes for the stepfamily, and it’s even more important to go slowly with this process when stepparenting.
Trust is the keyword here.
Trust is one of those intangible feelings we have about someone that can be really difficult to explain. I think we can agree, though, that trust isn't something we can force or control. It takes time, and it's not on your schedule; it's on the stepkid (s). So, we lovingly show up, we authentically do our best, and we are patient. Patients with the stepkid(s) and ourselves, because trust is a two-way street. But, as adults, it is our responsibility to lead the way.
3. Clarify your Role with Your Partner:
But, first, get clear on what your thoughts are first. It is important for us to get some clarity on what we need, would like to have, and what you can let go of. I am not saying you need to have it all figured out, but for most of us anyway, we have been either dating or married to our partner for a bit, and we probably have some ideas by now.
Stepmoms are stuck in this weird place of not knowing where the boundaries are with their partner, the stepkid(s), the bio-mom, etc. So, the most important and the best place to start is with yourself and then with your partner. Going back to expectations: the closer your expectations are with the reality of the situation, the less likely there will be hurt and disappointment when co-parenting.
4. Develop One-on-One Relationships:
The bulk of the relationship-building should be done one-on-one. It's human nature to take the path of least resistance. This means it's easier for both you and the stepkid(s) to rely on dad or the other sibling to carry some of the weight of the relationship. This is okay in the beginning, but if you ever want a chance, you need to take the reins and develop your own unique relationship with the stepkid(s) as a stepparent.
The sooner you start to make these efforts, the better, but not in a forceful way. Start slowly by finding those little opportunities to either join their world or invite them into yours. Be prepared for rejection as much as possible.
This is for real, right stepmoms? I hear ya, and I can't say it enough. Therefore, we all need a community of stepmoms to help us through this difficult stuff.
Want to learn more about how to connect with your stepchild?
Join the Intentional Stepmomming Community by clicking below: https://www.stepmommedcoaching.com/stepmom-circle
5. Listen First:
The fact of the matter is you are the outsider. There is no way around this fact. It sucks, 100%. This has got to be one of the hardest parts of being a stepparent. There is a history between these people before you entered the picture.
We are entering into their world, and their world is also adjusting to their new reality of having you in it. There are going to be growing pains. It's just part of the life cycle of any system. The best thing you can do is to listen.
Place your energy into understanding their family culture first.
You are likely not going to like everything they are or are not doing. Try to withhold judgment. It's easy as an outsider to think you have all the answers. We also are trying to find our place and often want to find someplace to exert some influence.
So, go back to your conversation with your partner about your role. Learn how to choose your battles. Bring the important ones to your partner and let them know how they can help you. It's important that they lead the way, at least in the beginning.
6. Respect that your Stepchild(ren) has Two Households:
Unless you were a stepchild yourself living between two households, it’s difficult to really understand what this is like. And it impacts children differently depending on so many factors (age, gender, temperament, the ex, etc.).
I found my best strategy whenever I was struggling with the other household’s choices was to acknowledge that I cannot control what happens outside of our house. I can only work with my partner to model our values, to do our best to provide a safe and loving environment in our home and trust that’s good enough.
Talking bad or making unkind comments is only creating more tension and isn’t creating a safe place.
7. Nurture your Partnership:
The couple's relationship is the most fragile due to it being the newest relationship. There is a lot of debate around whether the children of the relationship should come first as co-parents. I don’t think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to this question.
I do strongly believe that the foundation of any family falls on the adult caregivers of any family system. And not only does the foundation have to be strong, but it needs to be healthy to hold the weight of the rest of the house.
So, nurture the relationship. Go on dates, do couples' counseling, go on trips just the two of you, do whatever it takes to fill your relationship bank. That relationship bank is what carries you through the hard times.
8. Do Not Take It Personally:
I like to remind stepmoms that we are coming into a family system that is being built on loss. No matter what shape it takes, a divorce/separation or death of a partner is a loss. And, with any loss, there is a grief process.
This is an awkward and confusing journey for everyone involved, and everyone will cope differently. Including you! Yes, stepmoms, you will likely go through your own grief process too at different stages of your stepfamily.
I know we have all been there, where we may say or act in a way that’s not really about the other person. In these situations, I recommend asking yourself honestly, is this me, them or our problem? This can help to know whether it really is about you or not.
Or just ask!
Families intact or not don't talk enough about the tough stuff. If it's not in your wheelhouse, it doesn't hurt to get help, whether from a counsellor, coach, or other trusted guidance figure in your life.
Conclusion:
These eight important and powerful things are tips that you can tweak and implement no matter where you are in your stepfamily lifecycle. Stepfamilies are dynamic, and so is your role. This is a process unfolding, and the more you engage in the deep understanding of yourself and others in your family, the more empowered and intentional you will be with your stepmomming.
8 Important and Powerful Things:
1. Evaluate Your Expectations- the greater the disparity between your expectations and reality, the greater the disappointment.
2. Enforce the House Rules- but don't make them.
3. Clarify your Role with Your Partner- but get clear on your own thoughts first.
4. Develop Relationships One-on-One- The bulk of the relationship-building should be done one-on-one.
5. Listen First- Place your energy into understanding their family culture first.
6. Respect that your Stepchild(ren) has Two Households- accept that you cannot control what happens outside of your house.
7. Nurture your Partnership- The couple's relationship is the most fragile due to it being the newest relationship.
8. Do Not Take It Personally: I recommend asking yourself honestly, is this me, them or our problem?
These aren’t always easy to implement and by no means is it fair to expect you’re going to make gains in all 8 of these areas right away. I suggest just choosing one at a time that you feel fits you and your situation.
Which of these 8 things do you want to start with? Let me know how it goes!
Christine Hurst is a therapist & certified stepmom coach. If you're struggling with feeling alone on your stepmomomming journey, join the stepmom community by visiting:
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